Hard Times

It seems that there are plenty of people whom I know who are going through tough times, and unfortunately, I am no exception. These past few weeks, I have heard of more stories of tough situations than I care to recall. And the variety of trials are as varied as are the people. I can understand the value of such tough times from a spiritual standpoint. Just last night at my home group meeting, we had some great discussion about the importance of suffering in our maturing process. That doesn't make the suffering any more enjoyable, though. It only means that we are called to a higher purpose in the midst of our suffering. But at such times, what could be harder than holding onto a godly purpose? Thus, another important spiritual purpose to suffering is revealed. Who we really are, what we really rely on, what really matters to us are all revealed in our darkest times. And usually, we don't have much control or choice over what is revealed about us, or to whom. Those secrets that we so carefully manage and hide in our day-to-day life come creeping out (or bursting out) when we are emotionally undone.

Yet another question raises itself in my mind, especially as it pertains to times such as these, which is this: how can we share honestly about what is going on in our lives without complaining or whining? It is important to share about what we're really going through, but to do so without trying to fish for sympathy or affirmation from others as a way of trying to convince ourselves that everything is really ok. How much should we lean on the comfort of others without turning that person/those words into an idol? It is a difficult balance to strike, certainly. I am sure that it is something that works itself out on a case-by-case basis, but still worth considering.

I lost my job at Starbucks. I was fired for a simple mistake that I made, but unfortunately on the day that our district manager was in the store. Even though they did have grounds for letting me go, that does little to assuage the feelings of frustration. I really did enjoy this job and found it gratifying. Though it may have only been a job at a Starbucks, that doesn't mean that I'm glad to be out of there. I know that there must be something better out there, but it would have been nice to find that first before leaving Starbucks. It didn't help that I didn't see this coming. All of the sudden, at the end of my last scheduled shift, I was told that I was being let go, and that was that. No previous warning, nothing. Just one more thing to add to the list. And then it doesn't help the fact that I just had to buy a car because my old one was totalled in an accident. I'm going to have payments to make on that thing, and the idea of losing one's job shortly after taking on a new financial obligation is disconcerting.

My dream of an intentional community hangs by a thread, and a thin one at that. Unfortunately, one of the other people involved had to end her involvement, and that has been disappointing, to say the least. Where things stand right now, the entire dream could dissolve easily, but I certainly hope they won't. It will take more, take longer than I had originally imagined, but that doesn't mean that it won't happen. We will simply have to wait and see. What is most difficult about the process thus far is that some of my deepest regrets, my deepest insecurities have surfaced and threaten my peace of my mind. I wish this wasn't the case, but at the same time, I know that God can use my current circumstances powerfully to redeem even parts of my distant past that I may have kept hidden away for far too long. And there is no one telling me that the intentional community won't work and won't ever happen. I will simply have to take more creative steps towards seeing it come to fruition.

Much has changed, and much will continue to change, but in Christ, I can be assured that such change will ultimately be for the better. That much I do know.

A Weekend of Camping

It's been quite a trip this past weekend, camping with the folks from Green Valley Church in Rancho Bernardo. We all (as many could come) travelled up to Hurkey Creek, near Idyllwild. It really was an amazing weekend, full of dirt, fire, food, and plenty of sunshine. The weather was literally perfect: sunny and warm in the day, not too cold at night. We were all reasonably comfortable. I still haven't quite mastered sunscreen at my young age, but maybe someday I will...I wouldn't bet on it. I really hate sunscreen with a passion, and my body usually pays for it. But I'm not planning on aging gracefully anyways, so it all fits!

As far as activities went, there was always something going on. Sports of all kinds were being played, including a volleyball, bocce ball, whiffle ball, and some frisbee tossing. There was even a water balloon toss and potato sack race for the kiddies! The best part about the weekend was the lack of agenda. We did all hang out together, but there was no pressure or expectations on anyone to do anything or pretend to want to do something. Sometime during my Saturday afternoon, I took a look at all that was going on around me and simply thought to myself that this is the sort of natural family that I want to spend my life with. It really is amazing to actually experience the sort of intimacy and natural relationships that have sprung out Green Valley Church. It really is a bunch of people living life together who just decided to go on vacation together for a weekend. So much fun! And so inspiring!

For my own personal experience, I left Friday afternoon with my friend Leanna Jean. We drove up in her little bubble car (the Toyota Yaris). And that thing was definitely packed out. And fortunately for us, we left early enough to avoid all traffic on the way up. We just cruised. We even had time to stop for some lunch, pick up her wine club wine, and get a little wine tasting in ourselves. When we got up there, there were already plenty of people there who had arrived Thursday in order to extend there little vacation. So, the car was unpacked and it was time for some serious hanging out! I threw the frisbee around with Geoff Horn for a good long while. There was a big grass field right in the middle of all Green Valley's campsites, which was awesome! So, while Geoff was throwing the disc, I was running all over the place to try and catch it. Scottie Johnson even jumped in and showed us a thing or two. Dinner was a bit of an ordeal, since boiling water for Mac 'N' Cheese is hard with an old propane grill. But we finally got it to work and had our meal. It was hanging out around campfires and games for the rest of the night.

The next morning, I took off at about 6:45am for a run. I know most people would think me crazy, but it was a good run. It was about eight miles in total and looped around through the hills near the campsite. When I got back, I ate a bunch of food for breakfast, mostly consisting of fruit and fruit-based foodstuffs. Throw a shower in there, and I just had my ideal morning. I had some good time for reading and praying and thinking after that, which is just special in a setting like that. There is something unusually powerful about studying God's Word or hearing from God's Word in such a natural setting as that. I'm tempted to say that it's something inexpicable, but there is an explanation. God has revealed Himself in nature. Romans 1:20 says just that! God has placed His stamp on nature. Why is that a beautiful grove of trees with sunlight gleaming through them is so much more alluring than a downtown highrise? God's power is there, His immensity, His great divine intelligence. We have simply lost the sensitivity to see it. We have forsaken by choice the awareness and sense for such things, and in so doing, have forgotten them completely. But if you are able to spend time in nature with God's Word long enough to forget all the rest of the noise in your life, you will begin to feel it and sense it again.

Anyways...after reading, I spent a good hour just watching a game of Settlers of Catan being played, which was actually nice. I didn't want to move, and this was the perfect option. After a quick lunch, I threw around the frisbee disc some more. Running around the grass field was so much fun! I threw with Geoff Horn, Paul Quinlivan, and David Toney all at different times. I did get in time for some bocce ball as well, which was great, too! Dinner Saturday night was decidedly one of the highlights of the weekend. Scottie Johnson brough one hundred pounds of tri-tip to cook and served everyone with that feast! Combined with some baked beans, salad, and watermelon, I really couldn't have asked for a better camp dinner. The evening was really cool because we had a laidback church service, complete with two acoustic guitars for worship music and a "campfire version" of Doug Kyle's sermon for Sunday morning. Afterwords, there was some more impromptu worship music playing for whoever wanted to hang around and sing/listen. Singing songs late at night with acoustic guitars around a campfire felt a bit stereotypical of camping, but there's a reason it's typical: because it's so much fun! Guitar singing around a campfire is one of those experiences that is just special about camping; wouldn't have been a good trip without it.

The next morning was all just packing up and getting ready to go back home. There was coffee and oatmeal for breakfast, a lot of packing up, and a round of Phase 10 with Leanna and the Quinlivans before we took off back home. There's my weekend in a nutshell. As per usual, the trip felt all too short and we wish we could have stayed for a week or a month or six months. But life beckons us back, and here we are! So, yay for our Monday mornings!

Change Comes Faster Than You Think

It's been quite some time since I last posted because honestly, there just hasn't been time. I have been running to and fro, trying to keep it all together, and when I get super busy like this, stuff like blogging kind of falls to lower rung on my priorities list. I don't think I have very many people reading this blog anyways, so I'm not too worried about it. Most of the people who really want to know already know much of what is going on in my life, so this blog should take care of all the rest of you guys!

First for the trivial: I did get a second tattoo, which is great. I was told when I got my first that these sorts of things just snowball on themselves, which has turned out to be true. I had the Bible verse Romans 12:1 tattooed on my back, below my original. Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures yet; otherwise, you could see it. You'll just have to ask next time you see me. Depending on who you are, by that time, I might have three tattooes or even ten! Ha ha, don't expect ten...

I have officially gotten all of my great benefits activated from working at Starbucks. It was pretty cool to be able to sign up for all of those myself and know now that if I actually hurt myself rock climbing, I can go to the doctor! I even have a life insurance policy. No actual benefactors yet, so I'm accepting applications. Best of luck to all who apply.

On a more serious note, I am actually taking a serious look at going back to school and getting a masters. Specifically, I am considering attending a seminary. There is a particular seminary down here in San Diego that I am looking at, not just because of its location, but also because of its programs offered. We shall see what that path may hold. I've simply had so many people tell me that I should go to seminary and that I would be good in seminary that I think it's finally time I listened and went to seminary. Since graduating college, I have gained a new appreciation for learning and the active application of the mind, especially as it pertains to spiritual matters. Engaging my mind, particularly in thinking critically about the culture I live in and how to reach out to people within that culture has become much more of an active pursuit for me than it was before. It my early years of ministry, I feel that I was definitely taught to take a method that had been used in the past and simply apply it to a culture in faith, hoping to find success. I have rejected that method of ministry and outreach wholeheartedly and now hope to become a lifetime student of the culture I am a part of in order to shape my personal ministry and any ministry I may lead. There is much more dynamism to a ministry that actually humbles itself to a culture, releases some control over the "necessary" procedures, and uses program as a tool, not an end in and of itself. So, there's that.

For those of you who don't know, I was in a car accident on April 19. It SUCKED! I am physically fine, but my car was completely totalled. In short, I was driving down a road here in San Diego and another driver started making an unprotected left turn into oncoming traffic (me). I hit my brakes and my horn, tried to turn, but there wasn't anything I could do to prevent the accident. The front end of my car was just demolished. My airbags went off, my windshield spidered completely. It was bad!!! Obviously, I'm not at all at fault, but my car is gone. Richard (my car) has been deemed a total loss and I will be reimbursed appropriately. I am driving a sad excuse for a rental and actively looking for what I will be getting next, while awaiting the payout for my car. So, that's that!

I have begun talking seriously with a few friends of mine about founding an intentional community. For those of you who don't know what that is, or think that it's just a crazy hippy idea, allow me to shed some light on the subject. It is a living situation with a number of people (we're shooting 6-10) living in a common space, sharing possessions, sharing lives, and generally allowing the familial relationships that are formed to transform us and the circles in which we live. Especially in this day and age, in the culture that we live in, personal space is very deeply valued, and maybe even idolized. This occurs to the point where many end up living lives predominantly isolated from one another, with no overlap or outside contact beyond what is absolutely necessary to function. Too often do I meet and talk with people about this idea, only to have them say to me, "Wow! That's a really cool idea, but I could never do that." And certainly, this is not the situation for everyone. There are many good, legitimate reasons for which a person should not enter into this kind of living situation. I don't want to call down judgment on myself by rashly condemning other people who really couldn't live in such a situation. But if I am honest, when someone says that to me, my initial thought is, "Is that really true? Could you really never do that? Or do you just really not want to?" Call me a jerk, but that's what goes through my head. This intentional community is such a drastically different way of living that goes completely against the cultural norm right now that I think it will be a powerful tool of outreach to those around me at a ground floor type of level. To foster the type of community and family that so many are missing, potentially even within one's own family, can be an amazing witness to the people in my life of a better way to live. We want to be a spiritually minded group of people who actively place themselves in a situation where they will be pushed and challenged and transformed in order to introduce real, lasting change in a culture so desperate for it. For me, it is all truly about introducing the Kingdom of God here on earth and actively incarnating the Gospel in my own life in order to help others do the same. As I often say, it could be amazing...

Those are the major updates in my life thus far. More to come as time permits. Thanks for reading!

What is the Gospel?

This is a blog that I want people to respond to! Please put your comments/thoughts. When you hear the word "Gospel," what do you think? When you think about "the Gospel," what do you think? When you use the word "Gospel" in conversation, what are you refering to? When you share the Gospel with someone else, what do you say? When enough people have posted their thoughts, I will post mine. Thanks, guys!

Spiritual Growth and the Kingdom of God

I just typed out a long message to a friend on Facebook having to do with these two topics. It was so long that I thought I should use it as much as I can, just to save on typing time. So, here is an exact replica of what I typed. Sorry if I didn't contextualize it for a proper blog post, but I didn't feel like it. You'll get the idea...

Well, if nothing else, I can tell that you've got a lot on your mind based on how much you've written. And it's definitely bothering you a lot! That's good! Truth be told, the sorts of topics you are struggling through are common battles for Christians, especially in this culture. That has been my experience, at least. You've made a lot of progress into the internal debate and wrestling with these topics, I can tell. As for what I may share with you as pertains to this topic, I hope you explore what I say in Scriptures and pray about it. I don't pretend to have all the answers, and I'm still in process as well, especially in regards to how useful I am to God.

So, first, I'm glad that you are able to see that doing a lot of stuff for God does not mean you are a good Christian. There are plenty of people who work in the church and do plenty of "work" for God that are mean, nasty, not nice people. Having spent time in ministry yourself, I'm sure you've met at least one, probably more, of those people. If you haven't, then consider yourself warned. A lot of people acknowledge that being a good Christian isn't measured by how much you do. Most people don't take the next step. To see that there is something wrong in how the modern American church measures spiritual health means nothing if you don't do something about it! And by doing something about it, I mean, acknowledging and addressing the issue in your own life. Ask yourself, "what does it mean to be a 'good' Christian?" What qualifies? What is the true measure of spiritual maturity or spiritual growth? We know that it's not the doing of stuff. So, what is it?

On a deeper level, ask yourself the question: who the hell cares? Why is being a good Christian important to you? Or maybe, why is being SEEN as a good Christian important to you? Who or what is it in your life that can tell you that you're a good Christian or not? That person, that entity is the person or entity to whom you have given power and to whom you are submitting. Maybe it's God, which again begs the question: what is real spiritual maturity? How does God view your spiritual development? And why do you think He views it that way?

To address the concern about advancing the Kingdom of God, we have to first answer the question: what is the Kingdom of God anyways? It's a term that we throw around pretty freely in the Christian community, and if I am not mistaken, we operate with the unspoken definition of the Kingdom of God as meaning, "the number of people who believe in Jesus." So, is that it? If so, then the only way to really advance the Kingdom of God is to get other people to pray a specific prayer or believe Jesus died for them so that they won't go to hell when they die. The generally accepted definition of the Kingdom of God revolves around a solitary moment in people's lives when they pray a certain prayer that some pastor or speaker or friend is telling them to pray. What about the rest of a person's life? What about everything that a person may or may not do after that prayer in their life? Does the Kingdom of God not have to do with that, too? I hope so. Otherwise, we're wasting our time trying to be "good," and we should just do whatever we want.

God is concerned with more than just how people He's going to let into heaven when they die or when He just wipes away the world. He's concerned with the whole life of a person. He's concerned with your whole life! Allow me to submit to you a new definition for the Kingdom of God, which is the realm of existence in which God's explicit will and desires are fulfilled, followed, adhered to. The truth is, your heart is of critical importance to God's Kingdom. Could it be true that perhaps His Kingdom is still advancing, but not in the outward and visible way we like? Maybe God's Kingdom is advancing deeper into your heart and life, an entirely more difficult and uncomfortable process altogether.

So, with all that said, my only advice to you is this: do not rush to leave this portion of your life, because it is of value. Take a deep, spiritual breath, and begin the difficult process of learning to listen and wait on God. He will reveal all things to you in due time, and it will be worth it when He does.

Obviously, I am passionate about this particular topic. These are things that I've given a lot of thought to. I hope they help. If not, just throw these thoughts out and ask another question. Thanks for reading!

Ryan

It's Been Three Months

By now, I've had a total of three people say to me that I never post anything on my blog anymore. According to my profile, I have a total of four followers of my blog. Therefore, 75% of my fan base is asking me for a new post. 50% wouldn't have been enough, but since a full 75% of my followers are asking for a new post, I must oblige.

When I first started blogging, I would oscilate between different ideas of what I wanted my blog to be about. In the end, I didn't really make a decision because even if I did decide that this blog was only going to be about what I was reading and how it was affecting me, I would inevitably just want to write about something else. (That's just an example of how I think and work). So, since it's been three months, I think that a general overview of what's going on is in order.

My venture with Student Venture is over. I did not finish my support raising, which saddens me, but by now, I have made peace with it. God intended for me to apply and go through the process because He brought out a lot of very deep-seated junk in my heart through the process. I had a good conversation with Shawn Faulkner at the end of it all, discussing the reasons why it was good for me to move on. I did mourn the loss, but at the same time felt a certain degree of relief as well. The weeks leading up to the official end of my "internship" were agonizing, and not in a fun way. I now work as a Starbucks barista, which is more fun than perhaps it should be. It's a good job, and helps out with so many practical things like insurance, a regular supply of coffee (I'm a serious coffee drinker now), stock options, 401-K, and the list goes on. It also affords me time to search for my next move, have time to read and study, and spend time with friends. I still have a student that I tutor from Poway High School, and we meet twice a week.

Spiritually, life has been intense. Along with my accountability partner David Toney, I have begun a year of very intentional, pro-active spiritual discipline. For those of you who know me, it will come as no surprise when I say that I am not a naturally disciplined person (I haven't blogged in three months). Much as I would love to avoid it, discipline is a necessary and unavoidable piece of spiritual growth, or spiritual formation as Dallas Willard calls it. The book I am reading by Dr. Willard, Renovation of the Heart, is playing a big part. This book has done much to debunk many of the misconceptions about my Christian walk that I've held for so long. It has helped to dispell much of the hopelessness and despair that I have felt towards my own spiritual maturing process, while calling me to a godly level of personal action and discipline in playing an active role in my own spiritual formation. This is by no means an easy book to read and digest, as it is so intense and packed tightly with wisdom. I am a little over half way through the book, and already know that I could spend a year on it without wasting my time. This is a book that I would recommend to literally anyone and everyone who wants to be serious about their spiritual growth. If there is anyone who feels like they are genuinely a lost cause and are only trying not to screw up so royally that they alienate everyone that they know and love, pick up this book! Don't wait until you feel neck-deep in your own junk with seemingly no way out.

*Warning: What follows is entirely too many words about what music I've been listening to. There is nothing else in the paragraph that follows. If you don't want to read it, skip ahead!

Musically, I've been going a few different directions all at the same time. Just recently, I purchased a number of different albums that I've been meaning to pick up and a few that I didn't think I would enjoy so much. I got "Fiction Family" by Fiction Family, which is a cool album. It is a single project by Jon Foreman (lead singer for Switchfoot) and Sean Watkins (guitarist for Nickel Creek). The album seems split between Nickel Creek and Switchfoot style songs with the differences being really obvious, but no less enjoyable for it. For the general public, I would listen to the album before buying it; it won't be everyone's cup of tea. I got Brooke Fraser's most recent solo project "What to Do With Daylight." She is one of the lead singers for the Australian worship band Hillsong United. Her solo work is some high quality song writing. She obviously writes out of her own experience, which lends a naturalness to her songs that is highly enjoyable. Particularly track 3 on that album "Still In Love" is a great, fun song. Personally, that track is the song that I have always wanted to write. She just did it first and better. Oh well! I'm not a professional musician anyways. I did pick up the first album by The Ting Tings "We Started Nothing." It's just a fun 10-song album that literally flies by. There is some decent lyrical work, with meaning and significance hidden carefully, but discernible if you take the time to find it. But you probably won't because you'll either be just having fun with the music, feel weirded out by certain tracks, or dismiss the album entirely as too mainstream or poppy. I've enjoyed it, but would definitely place this album in the "ear candy" category. Doesn't mean I won't throw the album in and crank it while driving down the road! And if you only listen to one track on the album, don't listen to the singles that everyone already knows. Listen to the last track "We Started Nothing," including the highly enjoyalbe and extended instrumental at the end of the track. Through the recommendation of a friend, I got into a new band called We The Living, so named after a novel by Ayn Rand. The lead singer leads on piano, which obviously intrigued me. I first listened to their song "Best Laid Plans." I instantly liked the song, though the vocals initially sounded somewhat contrived. From what I read on their own website, they have released one album in two parts: "Heights of the Heavens" and "Depths of the Earth." Cool titles, but more than that, as well. As a sound, the band is trying for something grandiose and epic, which they do accomplish to a degree. There aren't any songs that simply blow me away, but the album is quite enjoyable and easy to listen to. You won't anger anyone by playing this album, but they might not look up the album later either to buy it themselves. If there are any listeners out there who are especially calloused and scoff at the romantics of the world, do not buy this album. It is an emotional album. If you are naturally emotional, and enjoy normal sounding chord progressions, you will like this album. As a band, they have a lot of musical potential, but they may not capitalize. What they do with their second, and if they get one, third albums will dictate how big a name they become and whether or not they have real staying power. Lastly, I bought Ryan Adams' album "Easy Tiger." Ryan Adams is just a stinking good artist, and this album only further confirms this. I now own four of his albums and thoroughly enjoy them. There is no other artist that I know of yet with whom I would so confidently listen to an entire album without worrying if I'm going to enjoy it. There are a few tracks that I enjoy especially, namely "Goodnight Rose," "Two," and "Halloweenhead." The funniest moment on the album for me is by far on "Halloweenhead" when Ryan Adams actually calls out "Guitar Solo!" a minute and a half into the song. He is one of the few who can pull that off. The last track, "I Taught Myself How to Grow Old," is delightfully reminiscent of his "Heartbreaker" album with its wailing harmonica melodies. A good album for anyone who enjoys some original song writing, a little harmonica, a little blues, a hint of country, and anyone who has forty minutes to listen to good music.

So, that's that, my adoring fans. This is my latest post. You asked for it, and now you got it. Maybe a little more than you bargained for, but that's how it goes. Hope you enjoyed it. I would like to post more often that once every three months, but no promises!

An Impromptu Review of The Shack

I just finished reading The Shack, which is one of the latest popular books to hit the Christian market. It is quickly gaining success and prestige, which often deters many from actually picking up the book and giving it a read. I am among this group because I have gone that route, of reading the latest Christian book sensation and have been disappointed in the past. I won't name any book titles that I've been either impressed or unimpressed by, so don't ask. Needless to say, when I first heard about The Shack, I didn't give it much thought. When it started to gain some notoriety, I dug my heels even further in, preferring not to get simply swept away in the latest Christian craze and set of new vocabulary words that will undoubtedly spark a series of other books agreeing and disagreeing with the theological views purported in The Shack. But, when someone gives you a copy for free, what can you do? If you know me, I'm not one to turn down a free book. And in all honesty, I knew that before I passed judgment (which I had basically already done), I should probably read this book that "everyone" is talking about.

So, yesterday, I finally picked it up and started reading. And then I finished it today. That will probably tell you something about how I reacted to the book. If nothing else, I got caught up in what was happening in the book and how it resolved. Strictly as a written work, it is well-written. It is a concise 200+ pages that flow quickly. Some of the spiritual revelations that came to the main character even seemed to come a little too quickly. There is a directness to how the author writes that both aids to and detracts from how he conveys his message. Within the first few chapters, the central conflict and problem that the main character is plagued by develops fully and then the rest of the book is spent unpacking, unraveling, and resolving that central problem. I was told that the first few chapters are hard to get through, and this is true. Anyone who has a vivid imagination will struggle through those first few chapters. Don't be surprised if you have to put the book down or and moved to tears of sorrow.

The rest of the book details the main character's interaction with God over approximately a 48-hour period. The author's portrayal of God at times struck me as somewhat cheesy, especially the different displays of affection that sometimes reminded me more of a bad Christian romantic fiction novel than anything else. (Sorry to all you fans of bad Christian romantic fiction novels. Maybe I'll read one of those next so I can be more compassionate...) However, due to the content of what is discussed in the novel, I was lead to question whether or not my disgust at the displays of affection was justifiable disgust or a symptom of the brokenness and inherent lack of love that I possess due to my own sin and the sin that surrounds us all. I hope that if you read the book, you humbly pose the same question to yourself. The discussions that the character has with God are honestly discussions that I have sometimes wanted to have with God myself. As I said, the spiritual truths, especially those conveyed in such conversations come quickly. So, be careful not to miss something that the God character says if you don't understand it right away. Go back and re-read the line again if necessary. In all honesty, these spiritual truths are nothing new (see Ecclesiastes 1:9), but that doesn't make what is conveyed in the book irrelevant or unworthy of being written. The book moves very strongly against the rule-abiding God Who can be proved with rationality and reasoning. He is a completely relational Being in the book, not that He isn't so already in reality. To anyone who experiences regular waves of guilt and obligation, this book will be like a breath of fresh air. However, to more acutely experience this breath of fresh air, I would recommend one thing: leave behind your preconceived notions and baggage attached to the word "love." It should come as no surprise that the English language is sadly inadequate in expressing the varying degrees and depths that love can contain. There is certainly something wrong when you can look at your wife and say, "I love you with all my heart," and then turn to the pie you are eating and say, "I really love this pie!" Not only that, the very concept and possibility of love is severely damaged by the continuing sin and pain we experience day-in and day-out. I can promise that when you read this book and the word "love" comes up as much as it does, you will be tempted to gloss over it, but don't!

The last thing I will say is this: There was one question that haunted me throughout the book and still haunts me. It is a question that is indirectly addressed within the plot of the story, and is only directly addressed at the end of the book, though not to bring about an answer. The question is this: What if all this really happened? The story is based on the true account of one man. It would be extremely easy to brush off the story as imagined and contrived as some sort of unbelievable piece of encouragement that's nice to hear, but wouldn't really work in the real world. Don't jump to this conclusion, my friends. If nothing else, do yourself the favor and don't dig in your heels and relegate this story to the imaginary. Allow yourself at least to entertain the thought that this might have been true, this might have really happened, and the truths conveyed therein might actually be true. What happened to the main character, Mack, happens to all of us in varying degrees, and the scars and doubts he bears can often look strikingly similar to scars and doubts we bear as well. For that reason alone, I would recommend that you let this book, this story, these truths penetrate the harsh exterior we all erect around our hearts and the deepest places of souls and just see what happens. If nothing else, I think that entertaining the thought that this story might be true will spur on some interesting debates, internal and external, and maybe we can all take one step closer to the One Who made us.

Been A While...

I haven't done much blogging in quite some time, and there are some very good and very complicated reasons for that. But for now, let me just put down a quote from my personal journal entry that I wrote today:

"It's always hardest for the person wearing the glasses to see the lens that they're looking through."

What's a Young Man to Do?

Three days ago, I was journaling and preparing to speak at Student Venture whilst drinking Seattle's "Best" coffee in Borders at Carmel Mountain. And my journaling was most done out of frustration. I became frustrated that my life had seemed (the key word here is "seemed") to degenerate into a list of to-dos. The things that I wanted to see in happen in my life are things that I have to do something about. If I want to actually report to my Student Venture assignment, I'm going to have to raise support. If I want to be close to God, I have to set aside time to spend with Him. If I want a place to live, I'm going to have to search for it and then find a way to pay for it. In my frustration, I began to ask, "If I'm doing all of this, what is God doing?" Before too long, that led me to ask, "Well, what is something that I literally can't do? What is it that won't happen if God won't do it?" The first and most obvious answer that came to me was that I can't save myself. If I am to be saved from the horrible things that I've done, if I am to be saved from the person I'm constantly in danger of becoming, if I am to be saved to the good things that may await me in the future, God is the One Who is going to have to save me.

From there, it was only a hop, skip, jump, one Bible verse, and a cool pop culture reference and I had my talk for Student Venture that night. The talk that night felt awkward to me. Sure, there were some funny moments, but overall, I felt awkward. So, naturally, I assumed that everyone else felt awkward, too. But I delivered the talk that I had planned and went the length of time allotted. So, that was fine. And naturally, I shared the Gospel at the end of the talk and led the students in a prayer to accept Christ.

Come Wednesday, the veil began to be pulled back in earnest. Wednesday afternoon, I met with the leader of Student Venture here in North County SD, Shawn Faulkner. He told me that two girls had prayed to accept Christ that night I shared. It took me a moment to realize that God had actually used me in that capacity the previous night. I was pretty blown away. Even now, it seems a little unreal. Then later that evening, I was at praise band practice. Two of the members of the band had heard about how I moved out of my parents' place and consequently offered to have me stay with them for both of the two weeks after I move out of David and Courtney's place here in Escondido. I hadn't asked them to take me in. I certainly didn't post what I posted on this blog to garner pity or sympathy or a place to stay. But nevertheless, here were two more friends (beyond David and Courtney) who told me straight out that they weren't going to let me be homeless. In truth, I haven't been so taken aback by such a show of love and generosity in a long time.

What is to be concluded from all of this? Well, all the stuff that I thought I was having to do because God wasn't going to just wasn't true. He was and still is doing a lot more than I had previously thought. He is tangibly taking care of me. He's certainly not beholden to me, but who am I to refuse such loving care as that? More than that, He has used the people in my life to be such a blessing. He shines through my cherished family and friends here in San Diego. I don't regret having the blunt journaling session that I did on Tuesday. I don't ever, nor will I ever regret such blunt and open and honest times with God. I have always found that it is in and through those most brutal times, when I say things to God that the "good little Christian" within me thinks I shouldn't say, that I am inevitably impressed by Him and grow closer to Him in the process. So, what's a young man to do? Be brutally honest with God. He always loves to prove me wrong!

To Rest My Head

Big changes have come into my world, the most prominent of those being that I have moved out of my parents' home! It came a little later than we all originally anticipated, but here it is at last. I moved back in with them during summer 2007 after working in Los Angeles. Neither my parents nor I expected I would be staying very long, but I did! It had its good times and its not-so-good times. There is an interesting dynamic that takes place between parents and their child, especially when that child is an adult and moves back in with them. It was certainly convenient and enabled me to do much that I would not have otherwise been able to do, but now is most assuredly the right time to move out and move on.

In truth, I think that living with them caused me to stagnate a little. Not a lot, but a little. And no one likes to stagnate. Who wants that vague yet horrifying feeling that life is somehow passing you by and you don't know how to stop it or at least grab hold and let it take you for the ride? No one wants that. But it happened. Now I'm out and about. For a week, I house-sat for a family that I know who were out in the Midwest seeing their new granddaughter (Congratulations to the Blank family!!). That was nice to have that opportunity come up so suddenly. I spent one night sleeping in my car. Not terribly comfortable, but still kinda cool in an urban roughing it sort of way. And now I will be spending a week staying at the house of my good friends David and Courtney Toney. I asked them if it might be alright to bunk up with them for a week and they both quickly and graciously agreed to let me stay for a while. As I write this post, I am sitting in their spare room surrounded by a lamp in the shape of the Eiffel Tower, a picture of Courtney and David at a high school prom, a single wall sconce with no candles, and the bed covered in a well chosen green and brown comforter. Not too shabby! So, for those of you who already know David and Courtney and think highly of them, it's time to think even higher! And stay tuned to see where I end up next...

Oh, The Glory Of It All

Dallas Willard's book The Divine Conspiracy is a book that I find difficult to move through quickly. There is so much in his writing, and not just a large number of words. But there is much that he says that I do agree with intellectually but don't see lived out in my own life. I am slow to believe, all in all. And since I am slow to believe, I am slow to act on what I think I should believe. And that causes guilt, and that's not fun for anyone! For example, in my most recent reading of Chapter 3 out of Dallas Willard's fine work, I read about the glory of creation, of the sheer beauty of the earth that God created, the simple joy found in the sound of a wave crashing, or in the intricate veins of a green leaf seen as the sun shines through it. Dallas Willard described a particularly stunning scene of him walking up to a beach while he was in Africa and the joy that was his simply to observe such beauty. And he mused that God, the Creator and Sustainer, who sees all of creation and enjoys it with an intensity and consistency that we could only imagine, must be one infinitely joyous being for all of the glory that is His to be and to see.

They were inspiring words to read, and if you haven't read his work The Divine Conspiracy yet, I would highly recommend it. His words are written in such a well-crafted way that Dr. Willard's prose borders on poetry. And yet, the inspiration that his musings gave me also brought with them a notable measure of sadness. To see how God certainly does view His creation, which He called good, and how Dallas Willard sees creation in this instance only served to bring light to the fact that I do not. I do not find the same awe that I once did in the simple shining of the sun, the delicate song of an early morning bird. I so easily overlook the things that God never misses. And though I will never enjoy creation as He does, I can certainly hope to appreciate it as I once did. And this thought begs the question: if I once enjoyed creation with an intensity that I have since lost, how did that happen? What was it that caused me to lose that which I had? I do not think that I am alone in this. While I worked in Solana Beach, how often did I truly go and appreciate the beach that was within walking distance? Certainly not often enough. It saddens me to be reminded yet again that we, as human beings, grow tired far too quickly of that which we have, that which we are given, that which is before us on a consistent basis. If something is in front of our eyes for too long, it becomes impossible to actually see it.

With that being said, I think we would all do well to go outside at a time we wouldn't normally and just appreciate the true gift that creation was meant to be, wherever you happen to find yourself.

My New Prayer of the Day

I'm not planning on adding a prayer of the day everyday, but since I've been inspired these two days, I thought I would post them in the hopes that maybe someone out there will pray for me as I go through my day and maybe someone out there will be encouraged by what I write because who knows who else might be going through the same sort of stuff I'm going through...

It has become increasingly clear to me that I am too hard on myself. I don't let things go easily, especially my own shortcomings. I've been told that I need to forgive myself, have grace with myself, allow God's grace to cover me, not be so focused on the "ideal man." It's been told to me a hundred different ways by a hundred different people. And I really would love to have grace with myself but in the face of my flaws, that can be especially hard. It's so easy to act like I'm having grace with myself when I'm not struggling through some of my more grievous flaws or when I'm having a particularly easy week. It's infinitely harder to have grace with myself when my flaws really come to the surface and either hurt me or keep me from what God wants me to do with my life or even worse, hurt someone else. But those are the times when it is most important to have grace with myself because otherwise I will become stagnant and be unable to act upon the good that God has already placed within me. I do hear His voice and His prompting in my life and though I might not always listen, that shouldn't keep me from following at all. If that makes sense, great. If not, sorry.

All that to say, my prayer for the day is this: God, give me the courage to have grace with myself in the face of my own shortcomings.

My Prayer for the Day

Here is my prayer for the day:

God, help me to remember that You are a real Person, not a distant set of rules or an impersonal Judge.

The Soundtrack of Fall

Here's the finalized fall mix; better known as Fall is Here, Have a Sweater

Death Cab for Cutie - "Someday You Will Be Loved"
Feist - "Brandy Alexander"
Nickel Creek - "Reasons Why"
Ingrid Michaelson - "Breakable"
Sara Gazarek - "I've Got A Great Idea"
Ryan Adams - "La Cienega Just Smiled"
Snow Patrol - "How To Be Dead"
Jon Foreman - "Lord, Save Me From Myself"
Amos Lee - "Arms Of A Woman"
David Crowder Band - "Surely We Can Change"
Coldplay - "Til Kingdom Come"
Regina Spektor - "Samson"

Just about the coolest kid in the world...

Here's my nephew...Isaiah John Toney.

Fall is Here, Have a Sweater

Fall is here officially, not that that means much here in San Diego, CA. Though the days usually start off with a thick, foggy haze that is reluctant to burn up, most days you can usually get a pretty good sunburn. And since I do so hate sunscreen, I have already managed to get my fall sunburn!! But beyond the apparent lack of change in the seasons here in SoCal, fall has brought with it some rather exciting events. For one, the Fall Party hosted by the Toneys (toneyfam.blogspot.com) at their Escondido apartment this past Sunday was more than fun. There was fall-themed decorating, including custom leaf cut-outs and autumn-appropriate candy by Mrs. Courtney Toney. There was a highly enjoyable fall playlist to set the ambience, and two delicious variations on risotto all prepared by Mr. David Toney. As a party favor, David sent everyone home with a ten-track fall CD mix, which has inspired me to compose my own fall mix. The official track list will be published here a few days hence, when it is finished.

Another thing that excites me about fall is the return to the Kit Carson Memorial frisbee golf course. The white-blossoming trees should be back in season and adorning our homemade course. You can take a look here: www.updga.com.

Lest we forget, there is always the ever important matter of my nephew's birthday: Isaiah John Toney, born October 18, 2007, will be celebrating his first birthday. Should be a great party. And then, of course, my birthday November 23 will following shortly thereafter, followed by my brother's birthday two weeks later December 6. And that's not to mention all of the festive holidays that come in fall: Halloween, Thanksgiving. All at the same time, we get to enjoy the buildup to Christmas, which is great.

I'm excited to look forward to the new James Bond movie coming out: Quantum of Solace on November 14: www.007.com. What's not to get excited about with the new James Bond movie? Pretty nice birthday present.

There's hot tea, sweaters, rainy days, cool nights. All good things. So, be excited for fall. It's a good season. Look for the soon-to-come fall playlist!

The Vessel of Change

I have long selfishly entertained the notion that I am the true vessel of change in my life. If you were to ask me point blank how a person's character could be truly changed, I would no doubt tell you something that I heard in a sermon once, talking about the blood of Jesus, the grace of God, along with some quotes about faith and trust. But were you to spend time with me, observing my life, listening to my thoughts, you would soon find that I did not actually think that as expressed by how I live. I want to try and "perfect" myself through my own sense of discipline and self-imposed rules. And I don't think I am alone in this pursuit. How popular it is to better onself. How popular, and how futile. We really do want to believe that there is a way to become better than we are without the help of God. This desire teaches us some important truths about ourselves. We know that there is something wrong with us, something that we want to have fixed. We have the idea, or at least the dream that things could be better than they are, that we could be better than we are. But how we go about seeing that happen is one thing we have definitely missed (myself included, obviously). I will be the first to admit that it is hard to trust in God, when I like to think that I have tried to allow Him to bring about change in my life. But I don't think that I have actually truly trusted God for the change that I want to see in my life and that I think God wants, too. One question that I have yet to have answered for myself is this: if I have tried so hard to change myself, only to be frustrated by my lack of results, why am I so quick to blame God? And why am I still so reluctant to trust God for change in my life?

The Hardest Step

I have begun to notice (more than usual) that there are a lot of things in my life that I should do, but am so reluctant to do. The list is long and varied: clean my room, clean my car, call people I need to call, e-mail who I need to e-mail, read what I need to read, pray for what I need to pray for, work out. And the list goes on. It is hard to find a connection between them all, since they often concern different, seemingly unconnected areas of my life. The only unifying theme between all of these different activities is what I have un-creatively termed the hardest step. The hardest step is always the first step. The worst part, the most difficult moment to overcome is the very first moment. Just making myself sit down (or get up), and do what I need to do is the highest hurdle I jump over. The most frustrating part about this particular step for me is that I haven't found some clever formula or trick to overcome this step; (I don't think everything in life has a quick formulaic answer, or needs one; but I would like there to be one.) I do think that unfortunately, the only thing to do when faced with that first, hardest step is to just make yourself take it. But I could be wrong...

Dallas Willard and The Golden Compass

I have begun to wonder, after only beginning to read The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard about what sort of Christianity we have been taught to believe in the 21st century United States. In chapter two of his excellently written book, he poses a scenario to the reader. Rather, he tries to paint a picture of modern-day Christianity as he sees it. What he writes in his book is that there are two kinds of Christianity at work today: right-wing and left-wing Christianity (his language, not mine). Right-wing Christianity is that which teaches that no matter what we do, no matter how we live, if we accept Jesus as the payer of our sin-guilt bill, then we will be assured entrance into heaven when we die. Left-wing Christianity teaches that what Jesus was most concerned with was the destitute, discarded, and overlooked peoples in society, so we need to do all we can to include as many as we can. Right-wing Christianity ends up focusing so much on the payment of our debt incurred through sin that it inadvertently de-emphasizes the day-to-day walk and transformation that is meant to take place in the life of a follower of Christ. That doesn't mean that there aren't those who truly are transformed by Christ on a day-to-day level, but that is more the exception than the general rule. Left-wing Christianity ends up becoming this "love-conquers-all" sort of fluffy, feel good religion with the name of Jesus attached to it. Both brands of Christianity end up ignoring the current, life-changing power of a daily relationship with Christ, and you have a large population of people who call themselves Christians because they either intellectually accept the payment of their own bill or they try and be nice to other people, and then go on living their lives as they did before they were "Christians". And the primary source of this, the primary cause of this break is faulty preaching that is too blindly accepted as truth. Needless to say, this sort of writing has challenged me to think about what I've learned in my few short years of calling myself a Christian. It has caused me to re-think what my daily actions and what my life actually reflect as far as transformation is concerned. What sort of Christianity do I really believe in (as reflected by my day-to-day actions)?

Juxtaposed against my reading of The Divine Conspiracy is also my reading of the series by Philip Pullman His Dark Materials (The Golden Compass, The Subtle Knife, The Amber Spyglass). Philip Pullman is well-known as an atheist. Even if I hadn't already known such a fact, it would not be hard to see through his writing in these three books and the sort of picture he paints of the Church and God in these books. The two together, in this series are tyrranical, blind in their faith, uncompromising, and downright evil. This is the picture Philip Pullman paints of the Church and God. In the end of the series, God is killed. And because of that fact, many Christians flocked together in protest when the movie The Golden Compass was released in theaters. But when I look at the sort of God and Church that Philip Pullman depicts, I don't know if I would want to defend them. I wouldn't be opposed to the killing of that God and that Church. I honestly think that Christians too quickly flock to those key words of "God" and "church", without asking what they are really standing for. And ironically enough, Dallas Willard says the exact same thing. (I may or may not have picked up the idea from his book). What exactly do we embrace when we fight for the survival of the "God" that Philip Pullman depicts. Now, I should say that Philip Pullman has a very skewed vision of what God and the Church really are, or what they were meant to be, and that is a sad thing. But, unfortunately, the only people we have to blame for that view he holds is Christians themselves. We have committed such crimes in our religion due to the fact that we have believed the wrong "gospel" that now Philip Pullman, and others besides him, have a skewed view of God and the Church.

So, instead of pointing fingers at other people and attacking them, why don't we instead challenge the doctrine we have so blindly swallowed for so long and instead embrace the true God of the Bible, the true redemptive power of Jesus's sacrifice on the Cross, and allow God's truth to actually transform our lives into what they were meant to be.

"And this is eternal life, that they may know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent." John 17:3

"So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, 'If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.'" John 8:31-32

The Tattoo, Part 2

I had a chance to really share about my tattoo in depth with my friend David (pronounced "Daveed") yesterday, and I would like to share more with all the imaginary readers I have.

As mentioned, the Chinese symbols on my back mean "living sacrifice." That is a phrase taken out of the Bible in Romans 12. As I told David, I think that Romans 12 gives one of the best snapshot views in the Bible of how Christians are meant to live now that they have eternal life and a relationship with God. Within that chapter, I think that the phrase "living sacrifice" is the best single descriptor of what a Christian is not meant to be in practice.

So, why did I get this tattoo? It was certainly not to just be trendy and edgy as a Christian. I got it really as a commitment, a challenge, and a reminder. I got this tattoo as a commitment to God and to myself to diligently do what I can to be a living sacrifice: to lay down my will for the sake of God's will, even when I don't understand; to lay down my will for the will of others when it benefits them and can reveal God to them. I did this as a challenge to myself: to push the limits of how I am now being a living sacrifice, and how I might sacrifice more for the sake of God and others. And every time someone asks about it, I am reminded of these things. That's why I got this tattoo.