Three days ago, I was journaling and preparing to speak at Student Venture whilst drinking Seattle's "Best" coffee in Borders at Carmel Mountain. And my journaling was most done out of frustration. I became frustrated that my life had seemed (the key word here is "seemed") to degenerate into a list of to-dos. The things that I wanted to see in happen in my life are things that I have to do something about. If I want to actually report to my Student Venture assignment, I'm going to have to raise support. If I want to be close to God, I have to set aside time to spend with Him. If I want a place to live, I'm going to have to search for it and then find a way to pay for it. In my frustration, I began to ask, "If I'm doing all of this, what is God doing?" Before too long, that led me to ask, "Well, what is something that I literally can't do? What is it that won't happen if God won't do it?" The first and most obvious answer that came to me was that I can't save myself. If I am to be saved from the horrible things that I've done, if I am to be saved from the person I'm constantly in danger of becoming, if I am to be saved to the good things that may await me in the future, God is the One Who is going to have to save me.
From there, it was only a hop, skip, jump, one Bible verse, and a cool pop culture reference and I had my talk for Student Venture that night. The talk that night felt awkward to me. Sure, there were some funny moments, but overall, I felt awkward. So, naturally, I assumed that everyone else felt awkward, too. But I delivered the talk that I had planned and went the length of time allotted. So, that was fine. And naturally, I shared the Gospel at the end of the talk and led the students in a prayer to accept Christ.
Come Wednesday, the veil began to be pulled back in earnest. Wednesday afternoon, I met with the leader of Student Venture here in North County SD, Shawn Faulkner. He told me that two girls had prayed to accept Christ that night I shared. It took me a moment to realize that God had actually used me in that capacity the previous night. I was pretty blown away. Even now, it seems a little unreal. Then later that evening, I was at praise band practice. Two of the members of the band had heard about how I moved out of my parents' place and consequently offered to have me stay with them for both of the two weeks after I move out of David and Courtney's place here in Escondido. I hadn't asked them to take me in. I certainly didn't post what I posted on this blog to garner pity or sympathy or a place to stay. But nevertheless, here were two more friends (beyond David and Courtney) who told me straight out that they weren't going to let me be homeless. In truth, I haven't been so taken aback by such a show of love and generosity in a long time.
What is to be concluded from all of this? Well, all the stuff that I thought I was having to do because God wasn't going to just wasn't true. He was and still is doing a lot more than I had previously thought. He is tangibly taking care of me. He's certainly not beholden to me, but who am I to refuse such loving care as that? More than that, He has used the people in my life to be such a blessing. He shines through my cherished family and friends here in San Diego. I don't regret having the blunt journaling session that I did on Tuesday. I don't ever, nor will I ever regret such blunt and open and honest times with God. I have always found that it is in and through those most brutal times, when I say things to God that the "good little Christian" within me thinks I shouldn't say, that I am inevitably impressed by Him and grow closer to Him in the process. So, what's a young man to do? Be brutally honest with God. He always loves to prove me wrong!
