Oh, The Glory Of It All

Dallas Willard's book The Divine Conspiracy is a book that I find difficult to move through quickly. There is so much in his writing, and not just a large number of words. But there is much that he says that I do agree with intellectually but don't see lived out in my own life. I am slow to believe, all in all. And since I am slow to believe, I am slow to act on what I think I should believe. And that causes guilt, and that's not fun for anyone! For example, in my most recent reading of Chapter 3 out of Dallas Willard's fine work, I read about the glory of creation, of the sheer beauty of the earth that God created, the simple joy found in the sound of a wave crashing, or in the intricate veins of a green leaf seen as the sun shines through it. Dallas Willard described a particularly stunning scene of him walking up to a beach while he was in Africa and the joy that was his simply to observe such beauty. And he mused that God, the Creator and Sustainer, who sees all of creation and enjoys it with an intensity and consistency that we could only imagine, must be one infinitely joyous being for all of the glory that is His to be and to see.

They were inspiring words to read, and if you haven't read his work The Divine Conspiracy yet, I would highly recommend it. His words are written in such a well-crafted way that Dr. Willard's prose borders on poetry. And yet, the inspiration that his musings gave me also brought with them a notable measure of sadness. To see how God certainly does view His creation, which He called good, and how Dallas Willard sees creation in this instance only served to bring light to the fact that I do not. I do not find the same awe that I once did in the simple shining of the sun, the delicate song of an early morning bird. I so easily overlook the things that God never misses. And though I will never enjoy creation as He does, I can certainly hope to appreciate it as I once did. And this thought begs the question: if I once enjoyed creation with an intensity that I have since lost, how did that happen? What was it that caused me to lose that which I had? I do not think that I am alone in this. While I worked in Solana Beach, how often did I truly go and appreciate the beach that was within walking distance? Certainly not often enough. It saddens me to be reminded yet again that we, as human beings, grow tired far too quickly of that which we have, that which we are given, that which is before us on a consistent basis. If something is in front of our eyes for too long, it becomes impossible to actually see it.

With that being said, I think we would all do well to go outside at a time we wouldn't normally and just appreciate the true gift that creation was meant to be, wherever you happen to find yourself.

My New Prayer of the Day

I'm not planning on adding a prayer of the day everyday, but since I've been inspired these two days, I thought I would post them in the hopes that maybe someone out there will pray for me as I go through my day and maybe someone out there will be encouraged by what I write because who knows who else might be going through the same sort of stuff I'm going through...

It has become increasingly clear to me that I am too hard on myself. I don't let things go easily, especially my own shortcomings. I've been told that I need to forgive myself, have grace with myself, allow God's grace to cover me, not be so focused on the "ideal man." It's been told to me a hundred different ways by a hundred different people. And I really would love to have grace with myself but in the face of my flaws, that can be especially hard. It's so easy to act like I'm having grace with myself when I'm not struggling through some of my more grievous flaws or when I'm having a particularly easy week. It's infinitely harder to have grace with myself when my flaws really come to the surface and either hurt me or keep me from what God wants me to do with my life or even worse, hurt someone else. But those are the times when it is most important to have grace with myself because otherwise I will become stagnant and be unable to act upon the good that God has already placed within me. I do hear His voice and His prompting in my life and though I might not always listen, that shouldn't keep me from following at all. If that makes sense, great. If not, sorry.

All that to say, my prayer for the day is this: God, give me the courage to have grace with myself in the face of my own shortcomings.

My Prayer for the Day

Here is my prayer for the day:

God, help me to remember that You are a real Person, not a distant set of rules or an impersonal Judge.

The Soundtrack of Fall

Here's the finalized fall mix; better known as Fall is Here, Have a Sweater

Death Cab for Cutie - "Someday You Will Be Loved"
Feist - "Brandy Alexander"
Nickel Creek - "Reasons Why"
Ingrid Michaelson - "Breakable"
Sara Gazarek - "I've Got A Great Idea"
Ryan Adams - "La Cienega Just Smiled"
Snow Patrol - "How To Be Dead"
Jon Foreman - "Lord, Save Me From Myself"
Amos Lee - "Arms Of A Woman"
David Crowder Band - "Surely We Can Change"
Coldplay - "Til Kingdom Come"
Regina Spektor - "Samson"

Just about the coolest kid in the world...

Here's my nephew...Isaiah John Toney.

Fall is Here, Have a Sweater

Fall is here officially, not that that means much here in San Diego, CA. Though the days usually start off with a thick, foggy haze that is reluctant to burn up, most days you can usually get a pretty good sunburn. And since I do so hate sunscreen, I have already managed to get my fall sunburn!! But beyond the apparent lack of change in the seasons here in SoCal, fall has brought with it some rather exciting events. For one, the Fall Party hosted by the Toneys (toneyfam.blogspot.com) at their Escondido apartment this past Sunday was more than fun. There was fall-themed decorating, including custom leaf cut-outs and autumn-appropriate candy by Mrs. Courtney Toney. There was a highly enjoyable fall playlist to set the ambience, and two delicious variations on risotto all prepared by Mr. David Toney. As a party favor, David sent everyone home with a ten-track fall CD mix, which has inspired me to compose my own fall mix. The official track list will be published here a few days hence, when it is finished.

Another thing that excites me about fall is the return to the Kit Carson Memorial frisbee golf course. The white-blossoming trees should be back in season and adorning our homemade course. You can take a look here: www.updga.com.

Lest we forget, there is always the ever important matter of my nephew's birthday: Isaiah John Toney, born October 18, 2007, will be celebrating his first birthday. Should be a great party. And then, of course, my birthday November 23 will following shortly thereafter, followed by my brother's birthday two weeks later December 6. And that's not to mention all of the festive holidays that come in fall: Halloween, Thanksgiving. All at the same time, we get to enjoy the buildup to Christmas, which is great.

I'm excited to look forward to the new James Bond movie coming out: Quantum of Solace on November 14: www.007.com. What's not to get excited about with the new James Bond movie? Pretty nice birthday present.

There's hot tea, sweaters, rainy days, cool nights. All good things. So, be excited for fall. It's a good season. Look for the soon-to-come fall playlist!

The Vessel of Change

I have long selfishly entertained the notion that I am the true vessel of change in my life. If you were to ask me point blank how a person's character could be truly changed, I would no doubt tell you something that I heard in a sermon once, talking about the blood of Jesus, the grace of God, along with some quotes about faith and trust. But were you to spend time with me, observing my life, listening to my thoughts, you would soon find that I did not actually think that as expressed by how I live. I want to try and "perfect" myself through my own sense of discipline and self-imposed rules. And I don't think I am alone in this pursuit. How popular it is to better onself. How popular, and how futile. We really do want to believe that there is a way to become better than we are without the help of God. This desire teaches us some important truths about ourselves. We know that there is something wrong with us, something that we want to have fixed. We have the idea, or at least the dream that things could be better than they are, that we could be better than we are. But how we go about seeing that happen is one thing we have definitely missed (myself included, obviously). I will be the first to admit that it is hard to trust in God, when I like to think that I have tried to allow Him to bring about change in my life. But I don't think that I have actually truly trusted God for the change that I want to see in my life and that I think God wants, too. One question that I have yet to have answered for myself is this: if I have tried so hard to change myself, only to be frustrated by my lack of results, why am I so quick to blame God? And why am I still so reluctant to trust God for change in my life?

The Hardest Step

I have begun to notice (more than usual) that there are a lot of things in my life that I should do, but am so reluctant to do. The list is long and varied: clean my room, clean my car, call people I need to call, e-mail who I need to e-mail, read what I need to read, pray for what I need to pray for, work out. And the list goes on. It is hard to find a connection between them all, since they often concern different, seemingly unconnected areas of my life. The only unifying theme between all of these different activities is what I have un-creatively termed the hardest step. The hardest step is always the first step. The worst part, the most difficult moment to overcome is the very first moment. Just making myself sit down (or get up), and do what I need to do is the highest hurdle I jump over. The most frustrating part about this particular step for me is that I haven't found some clever formula or trick to overcome this step; (I don't think everything in life has a quick formulaic answer, or needs one; but I would like there to be one.) I do think that unfortunately, the only thing to do when faced with that first, hardest step is to just make yourself take it. But I could be wrong...