Hard Times

It seems that there are plenty of people whom I know who are going through tough times, and unfortunately, I am no exception. These past few weeks, I have heard of more stories of tough situations than I care to recall. And the variety of trials are as varied as are the people. I can understand the value of such tough times from a spiritual standpoint. Just last night at my home group meeting, we had some great discussion about the importance of suffering in our maturing process. That doesn't make the suffering any more enjoyable, though. It only means that we are called to a higher purpose in the midst of our suffering. But at such times, what could be harder than holding onto a godly purpose? Thus, another important spiritual purpose to suffering is revealed. Who we really are, what we really rely on, what really matters to us are all revealed in our darkest times. And usually, we don't have much control or choice over what is revealed about us, or to whom. Those secrets that we so carefully manage and hide in our day-to-day life come creeping out (or bursting out) when we are emotionally undone.

Yet another question raises itself in my mind, especially as it pertains to times such as these, which is this: how can we share honestly about what is going on in our lives without complaining or whining? It is important to share about what we're really going through, but to do so without trying to fish for sympathy or affirmation from others as a way of trying to convince ourselves that everything is really ok. How much should we lean on the comfort of others without turning that person/those words into an idol? It is a difficult balance to strike, certainly. I am sure that it is something that works itself out on a case-by-case basis, but still worth considering.

I lost my job at Starbucks. I was fired for a simple mistake that I made, but unfortunately on the day that our district manager was in the store. Even though they did have grounds for letting me go, that does little to assuage the feelings of frustration. I really did enjoy this job and found it gratifying. Though it may have only been a job at a Starbucks, that doesn't mean that I'm glad to be out of there. I know that there must be something better out there, but it would have been nice to find that first before leaving Starbucks. It didn't help that I didn't see this coming. All of the sudden, at the end of my last scheduled shift, I was told that I was being let go, and that was that. No previous warning, nothing. Just one more thing to add to the list. And then it doesn't help the fact that I just had to buy a car because my old one was totalled in an accident. I'm going to have payments to make on that thing, and the idea of losing one's job shortly after taking on a new financial obligation is disconcerting.

My dream of an intentional community hangs by a thread, and a thin one at that. Unfortunately, one of the other people involved had to end her involvement, and that has been disappointing, to say the least. Where things stand right now, the entire dream could dissolve easily, but I certainly hope they won't. It will take more, take longer than I had originally imagined, but that doesn't mean that it won't happen. We will simply have to wait and see. What is most difficult about the process thus far is that some of my deepest regrets, my deepest insecurities have surfaced and threaten my peace of my mind. I wish this wasn't the case, but at the same time, I know that God can use my current circumstances powerfully to redeem even parts of my distant past that I may have kept hidden away for far too long. And there is no one telling me that the intentional community won't work and won't ever happen. I will simply have to take more creative steps towards seeing it come to fruition.

Much has changed, and much will continue to change, but in Christ, I can be assured that such change will ultimately be for the better. That much I do know.

A Weekend of Camping

It's been quite a trip this past weekend, camping with the folks from Green Valley Church in Rancho Bernardo. We all (as many could come) travelled up to Hurkey Creek, near Idyllwild. It really was an amazing weekend, full of dirt, fire, food, and plenty of sunshine. The weather was literally perfect: sunny and warm in the day, not too cold at night. We were all reasonably comfortable. I still haven't quite mastered sunscreen at my young age, but maybe someday I will...I wouldn't bet on it. I really hate sunscreen with a passion, and my body usually pays for it. But I'm not planning on aging gracefully anyways, so it all fits!

As far as activities went, there was always something going on. Sports of all kinds were being played, including a volleyball, bocce ball, whiffle ball, and some frisbee tossing. There was even a water balloon toss and potato sack race for the kiddies! The best part about the weekend was the lack of agenda. We did all hang out together, but there was no pressure or expectations on anyone to do anything or pretend to want to do something. Sometime during my Saturday afternoon, I took a look at all that was going on around me and simply thought to myself that this is the sort of natural family that I want to spend my life with. It really is amazing to actually experience the sort of intimacy and natural relationships that have sprung out Green Valley Church. It really is a bunch of people living life together who just decided to go on vacation together for a weekend. So much fun! And so inspiring!

For my own personal experience, I left Friday afternoon with my friend Leanna Jean. We drove up in her little bubble car (the Toyota Yaris). And that thing was definitely packed out. And fortunately for us, we left early enough to avoid all traffic on the way up. We just cruised. We even had time to stop for some lunch, pick up her wine club wine, and get a little wine tasting in ourselves. When we got up there, there were already plenty of people there who had arrived Thursday in order to extend there little vacation. So, the car was unpacked and it was time for some serious hanging out! I threw the frisbee around with Geoff Horn for a good long while. There was a big grass field right in the middle of all Green Valley's campsites, which was awesome! So, while Geoff was throwing the disc, I was running all over the place to try and catch it. Scottie Johnson even jumped in and showed us a thing or two. Dinner was a bit of an ordeal, since boiling water for Mac 'N' Cheese is hard with an old propane grill. But we finally got it to work and had our meal. It was hanging out around campfires and games for the rest of the night.

The next morning, I took off at about 6:45am for a run. I know most people would think me crazy, but it was a good run. It was about eight miles in total and looped around through the hills near the campsite. When I got back, I ate a bunch of food for breakfast, mostly consisting of fruit and fruit-based foodstuffs. Throw a shower in there, and I just had my ideal morning. I had some good time for reading and praying and thinking after that, which is just special in a setting like that. There is something unusually powerful about studying God's Word or hearing from God's Word in such a natural setting as that. I'm tempted to say that it's something inexpicable, but there is an explanation. God has revealed Himself in nature. Romans 1:20 says just that! God has placed His stamp on nature. Why is that a beautiful grove of trees with sunlight gleaming through them is so much more alluring than a downtown highrise? God's power is there, His immensity, His great divine intelligence. We have simply lost the sensitivity to see it. We have forsaken by choice the awareness and sense for such things, and in so doing, have forgotten them completely. But if you are able to spend time in nature with God's Word long enough to forget all the rest of the noise in your life, you will begin to feel it and sense it again.

Anyways...after reading, I spent a good hour just watching a game of Settlers of Catan being played, which was actually nice. I didn't want to move, and this was the perfect option. After a quick lunch, I threw around the frisbee disc some more. Running around the grass field was so much fun! I threw with Geoff Horn, Paul Quinlivan, and David Toney all at different times. I did get in time for some bocce ball as well, which was great, too! Dinner Saturday night was decidedly one of the highlights of the weekend. Scottie Johnson brough one hundred pounds of tri-tip to cook and served everyone with that feast! Combined with some baked beans, salad, and watermelon, I really couldn't have asked for a better camp dinner. The evening was really cool because we had a laidback church service, complete with two acoustic guitars for worship music and a "campfire version" of Doug Kyle's sermon for Sunday morning. Afterwords, there was some more impromptu worship music playing for whoever wanted to hang around and sing/listen. Singing songs late at night with acoustic guitars around a campfire felt a bit stereotypical of camping, but there's a reason it's typical: because it's so much fun! Guitar singing around a campfire is one of those experiences that is just special about camping; wouldn't have been a good trip without it.

The next morning was all just packing up and getting ready to go back home. There was coffee and oatmeal for breakfast, a lot of packing up, and a round of Phase 10 with Leanna and the Quinlivans before we took off back home. There's my weekend in a nutshell. As per usual, the trip felt all too short and we wish we could have stayed for a week or a month or six months. But life beckons us back, and here we are! So, yay for our Monday mornings!

Change Comes Faster Than You Think

It's been quite some time since I last posted because honestly, there just hasn't been time. I have been running to and fro, trying to keep it all together, and when I get super busy like this, stuff like blogging kind of falls to lower rung on my priorities list. I don't think I have very many people reading this blog anyways, so I'm not too worried about it. Most of the people who really want to know already know much of what is going on in my life, so this blog should take care of all the rest of you guys!

First for the trivial: I did get a second tattoo, which is great. I was told when I got my first that these sorts of things just snowball on themselves, which has turned out to be true. I had the Bible verse Romans 12:1 tattooed on my back, below my original. Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures yet; otherwise, you could see it. You'll just have to ask next time you see me. Depending on who you are, by that time, I might have three tattooes or even ten! Ha ha, don't expect ten...

I have officially gotten all of my great benefits activated from working at Starbucks. It was pretty cool to be able to sign up for all of those myself and know now that if I actually hurt myself rock climbing, I can go to the doctor! I even have a life insurance policy. No actual benefactors yet, so I'm accepting applications. Best of luck to all who apply.

On a more serious note, I am actually taking a serious look at going back to school and getting a masters. Specifically, I am considering attending a seminary. There is a particular seminary down here in San Diego that I am looking at, not just because of its location, but also because of its programs offered. We shall see what that path may hold. I've simply had so many people tell me that I should go to seminary and that I would be good in seminary that I think it's finally time I listened and went to seminary. Since graduating college, I have gained a new appreciation for learning and the active application of the mind, especially as it pertains to spiritual matters. Engaging my mind, particularly in thinking critically about the culture I live in and how to reach out to people within that culture has become much more of an active pursuit for me than it was before. It my early years of ministry, I feel that I was definitely taught to take a method that had been used in the past and simply apply it to a culture in faith, hoping to find success. I have rejected that method of ministry and outreach wholeheartedly and now hope to become a lifetime student of the culture I am a part of in order to shape my personal ministry and any ministry I may lead. There is much more dynamism to a ministry that actually humbles itself to a culture, releases some control over the "necessary" procedures, and uses program as a tool, not an end in and of itself. So, there's that.

For those of you who don't know, I was in a car accident on April 19. It SUCKED! I am physically fine, but my car was completely totalled. In short, I was driving down a road here in San Diego and another driver started making an unprotected left turn into oncoming traffic (me). I hit my brakes and my horn, tried to turn, but there wasn't anything I could do to prevent the accident. The front end of my car was just demolished. My airbags went off, my windshield spidered completely. It was bad!!! Obviously, I'm not at all at fault, but my car is gone. Richard (my car) has been deemed a total loss and I will be reimbursed appropriately. I am driving a sad excuse for a rental and actively looking for what I will be getting next, while awaiting the payout for my car. So, that's that!

I have begun talking seriously with a few friends of mine about founding an intentional community. For those of you who don't know what that is, or think that it's just a crazy hippy idea, allow me to shed some light on the subject. It is a living situation with a number of people (we're shooting 6-10) living in a common space, sharing possessions, sharing lives, and generally allowing the familial relationships that are formed to transform us and the circles in which we live. Especially in this day and age, in the culture that we live in, personal space is very deeply valued, and maybe even idolized. This occurs to the point where many end up living lives predominantly isolated from one another, with no overlap or outside contact beyond what is absolutely necessary to function. Too often do I meet and talk with people about this idea, only to have them say to me, "Wow! That's a really cool idea, but I could never do that." And certainly, this is not the situation for everyone. There are many good, legitimate reasons for which a person should not enter into this kind of living situation. I don't want to call down judgment on myself by rashly condemning other people who really couldn't live in such a situation. But if I am honest, when someone says that to me, my initial thought is, "Is that really true? Could you really never do that? Or do you just really not want to?" Call me a jerk, but that's what goes through my head. This intentional community is such a drastically different way of living that goes completely against the cultural norm right now that I think it will be a powerful tool of outreach to those around me at a ground floor type of level. To foster the type of community and family that so many are missing, potentially even within one's own family, can be an amazing witness to the people in my life of a better way to live. We want to be a spiritually minded group of people who actively place themselves in a situation where they will be pushed and challenged and transformed in order to introduce real, lasting change in a culture so desperate for it. For me, it is all truly about introducing the Kingdom of God here on earth and actively incarnating the Gospel in my own life in order to help others do the same. As I often say, it could be amazing...

Those are the major updates in my life thus far. More to come as time permits. Thanks for reading!

What is the Gospel?

This is a blog that I want people to respond to! Please put your comments/thoughts. When you hear the word "Gospel," what do you think? When you think about "the Gospel," what do you think? When you use the word "Gospel" in conversation, what are you refering to? When you share the Gospel with someone else, what do you say? When enough people have posted their thoughts, I will post mine. Thanks, guys!

Spiritual Growth and the Kingdom of God

I just typed out a long message to a friend on Facebook having to do with these two topics. It was so long that I thought I should use it as much as I can, just to save on typing time. So, here is an exact replica of what I typed. Sorry if I didn't contextualize it for a proper blog post, but I didn't feel like it. You'll get the idea...

Well, if nothing else, I can tell that you've got a lot on your mind based on how much you've written. And it's definitely bothering you a lot! That's good! Truth be told, the sorts of topics you are struggling through are common battles for Christians, especially in this culture. That has been my experience, at least. You've made a lot of progress into the internal debate and wrestling with these topics, I can tell. As for what I may share with you as pertains to this topic, I hope you explore what I say in Scriptures and pray about it. I don't pretend to have all the answers, and I'm still in process as well, especially in regards to how useful I am to God.

So, first, I'm glad that you are able to see that doing a lot of stuff for God does not mean you are a good Christian. There are plenty of people who work in the church and do plenty of "work" for God that are mean, nasty, not nice people. Having spent time in ministry yourself, I'm sure you've met at least one, probably more, of those people. If you haven't, then consider yourself warned. A lot of people acknowledge that being a good Christian isn't measured by how much you do. Most people don't take the next step. To see that there is something wrong in how the modern American church measures spiritual health means nothing if you don't do something about it! And by doing something about it, I mean, acknowledging and addressing the issue in your own life. Ask yourself, "what does it mean to be a 'good' Christian?" What qualifies? What is the true measure of spiritual maturity or spiritual growth? We know that it's not the doing of stuff. So, what is it?

On a deeper level, ask yourself the question: who the hell cares? Why is being a good Christian important to you? Or maybe, why is being SEEN as a good Christian important to you? Who or what is it in your life that can tell you that you're a good Christian or not? That person, that entity is the person or entity to whom you have given power and to whom you are submitting. Maybe it's God, which again begs the question: what is real spiritual maturity? How does God view your spiritual development? And why do you think He views it that way?

To address the concern about advancing the Kingdom of God, we have to first answer the question: what is the Kingdom of God anyways? It's a term that we throw around pretty freely in the Christian community, and if I am not mistaken, we operate with the unspoken definition of the Kingdom of God as meaning, "the number of people who believe in Jesus." So, is that it? If so, then the only way to really advance the Kingdom of God is to get other people to pray a specific prayer or believe Jesus died for them so that they won't go to hell when they die. The generally accepted definition of the Kingdom of God revolves around a solitary moment in people's lives when they pray a certain prayer that some pastor or speaker or friend is telling them to pray. What about the rest of a person's life? What about everything that a person may or may not do after that prayer in their life? Does the Kingdom of God not have to do with that, too? I hope so. Otherwise, we're wasting our time trying to be "good," and we should just do whatever we want.

God is concerned with more than just how people He's going to let into heaven when they die or when He just wipes away the world. He's concerned with the whole life of a person. He's concerned with your whole life! Allow me to submit to you a new definition for the Kingdom of God, which is the realm of existence in which God's explicit will and desires are fulfilled, followed, adhered to. The truth is, your heart is of critical importance to God's Kingdom. Could it be true that perhaps His Kingdom is still advancing, but not in the outward and visible way we like? Maybe God's Kingdom is advancing deeper into your heart and life, an entirely more difficult and uncomfortable process altogether.

So, with all that said, my only advice to you is this: do not rush to leave this portion of your life, because it is of value. Take a deep, spiritual breath, and begin the difficult process of learning to listen and wait on God. He will reveal all things to you in due time, and it will be worth it when He does.

Obviously, I am passionate about this particular topic. These are things that I've given a lot of thought to. I hope they help. If not, just throw these thoughts out and ask another question. Thanks for reading!

Ryan

It's Been Three Months

By now, I've had a total of three people say to me that I never post anything on my blog anymore. According to my profile, I have a total of four followers of my blog. Therefore, 75% of my fan base is asking me for a new post. 50% wouldn't have been enough, but since a full 75% of my followers are asking for a new post, I must oblige.

When I first started blogging, I would oscilate between different ideas of what I wanted my blog to be about. In the end, I didn't really make a decision because even if I did decide that this blog was only going to be about what I was reading and how it was affecting me, I would inevitably just want to write about something else. (That's just an example of how I think and work). So, since it's been three months, I think that a general overview of what's going on is in order.

My venture with Student Venture is over. I did not finish my support raising, which saddens me, but by now, I have made peace with it. God intended for me to apply and go through the process because He brought out a lot of very deep-seated junk in my heart through the process. I had a good conversation with Shawn Faulkner at the end of it all, discussing the reasons why it was good for me to move on. I did mourn the loss, but at the same time felt a certain degree of relief as well. The weeks leading up to the official end of my "internship" were agonizing, and not in a fun way. I now work as a Starbucks barista, which is more fun than perhaps it should be. It's a good job, and helps out with so many practical things like insurance, a regular supply of coffee (I'm a serious coffee drinker now), stock options, 401-K, and the list goes on. It also affords me time to search for my next move, have time to read and study, and spend time with friends. I still have a student that I tutor from Poway High School, and we meet twice a week.

Spiritually, life has been intense. Along with my accountability partner David Toney, I have begun a year of very intentional, pro-active spiritual discipline. For those of you who know me, it will come as no surprise when I say that I am not a naturally disciplined person (I haven't blogged in three months). Much as I would love to avoid it, discipline is a necessary and unavoidable piece of spiritual growth, or spiritual formation as Dallas Willard calls it. The book I am reading by Dr. Willard, Renovation of the Heart, is playing a big part. This book has done much to debunk many of the misconceptions about my Christian walk that I've held for so long. It has helped to dispell much of the hopelessness and despair that I have felt towards my own spiritual maturing process, while calling me to a godly level of personal action and discipline in playing an active role in my own spiritual formation. This is by no means an easy book to read and digest, as it is so intense and packed tightly with wisdom. I am a little over half way through the book, and already know that I could spend a year on it without wasting my time. This is a book that I would recommend to literally anyone and everyone who wants to be serious about their spiritual growth. If there is anyone who feels like they are genuinely a lost cause and are only trying not to screw up so royally that they alienate everyone that they know and love, pick up this book! Don't wait until you feel neck-deep in your own junk with seemingly no way out.

*Warning: What follows is entirely too many words about what music I've been listening to. There is nothing else in the paragraph that follows. If you don't want to read it, skip ahead!

Musically, I've been going a few different directions all at the same time. Just recently, I purchased a number of different albums that I've been meaning to pick up and a few that I didn't think I would enjoy so much. I got "Fiction Family" by Fiction Family, which is a cool album. It is a single project by Jon Foreman (lead singer for Switchfoot) and Sean Watkins (guitarist for Nickel Creek). The album seems split between Nickel Creek and Switchfoot style songs with the differences being really obvious, but no less enjoyable for it. For the general public, I would listen to the album before buying it; it won't be everyone's cup of tea. I got Brooke Fraser's most recent solo project "What to Do With Daylight." She is one of the lead singers for the Australian worship band Hillsong United. Her solo work is some high quality song writing. She obviously writes out of her own experience, which lends a naturalness to her songs that is highly enjoyable. Particularly track 3 on that album "Still In Love" is a great, fun song. Personally, that track is the song that I have always wanted to write. She just did it first and better. Oh well! I'm not a professional musician anyways. I did pick up the first album by The Ting Tings "We Started Nothing." It's just a fun 10-song album that literally flies by. There is some decent lyrical work, with meaning and significance hidden carefully, but discernible if you take the time to find it. But you probably won't because you'll either be just having fun with the music, feel weirded out by certain tracks, or dismiss the album entirely as too mainstream or poppy. I've enjoyed it, but would definitely place this album in the "ear candy" category. Doesn't mean I won't throw the album in and crank it while driving down the road! And if you only listen to one track on the album, don't listen to the singles that everyone already knows. Listen to the last track "We Started Nothing," including the highly enjoyalbe and extended instrumental at the end of the track. Through the recommendation of a friend, I got into a new band called We The Living, so named after a novel by Ayn Rand. The lead singer leads on piano, which obviously intrigued me. I first listened to their song "Best Laid Plans." I instantly liked the song, though the vocals initially sounded somewhat contrived. From what I read on their own website, they have released one album in two parts: "Heights of the Heavens" and "Depths of the Earth." Cool titles, but more than that, as well. As a sound, the band is trying for something grandiose and epic, which they do accomplish to a degree. There aren't any songs that simply blow me away, but the album is quite enjoyable and easy to listen to. You won't anger anyone by playing this album, but they might not look up the album later either to buy it themselves. If there are any listeners out there who are especially calloused and scoff at the romantics of the world, do not buy this album. It is an emotional album. If you are naturally emotional, and enjoy normal sounding chord progressions, you will like this album. As a band, they have a lot of musical potential, but they may not capitalize. What they do with their second, and if they get one, third albums will dictate how big a name they become and whether or not they have real staying power. Lastly, I bought Ryan Adams' album "Easy Tiger." Ryan Adams is just a stinking good artist, and this album only further confirms this. I now own four of his albums and thoroughly enjoy them. There is no other artist that I know of yet with whom I would so confidently listen to an entire album without worrying if I'm going to enjoy it. There are a few tracks that I enjoy especially, namely "Goodnight Rose," "Two," and "Halloweenhead." The funniest moment on the album for me is by far on "Halloweenhead" when Ryan Adams actually calls out "Guitar Solo!" a minute and a half into the song. He is one of the few who can pull that off. The last track, "I Taught Myself How to Grow Old," is delightfully reminiscent of his "Heartbreaker" album with its wailing harmonica melodies. A good album for anyone who enjoys some original song writing, a little harmonica, a little blues, a hint of country, and anyone who has forty minutes to listen to good music.

So, that's that, my adoring fans. This is my latest post. You asked for it, and now you got it. Maybe a little more than you bargained for, but that's how it goes. Hope you enjoyed it. I would like to post more often that once every three months, but no promises!